When’s the Last Time You Ate With a Vegan?

When’s the last time you went out to eat with a vegan?

They are really a pain in the neck. And by “they”, I mean me.

I sort of accidentally became a vegan. In 2008, I was diagnosed with leaky gut syndrome.  As a result of the syndrome, I have a slew of food allergies and sensitivities, and I had to radically change my diet. Goodbye, dairy (and about 20 other foods too!). In recent months, I’ve decreased my meat intake significantly. And with all kinds of information coming to light about the dangers of eating meat, I feel good about decreasing my consumption. With the exception of the occasional weak-willed, impulsive trip to Taco Bell, my relationship with meat has pretty much come to an end.

But being vegan can be socially awkward (as if I needed any help with that).

Why?

Because when you go to a friend’s shindig and all of the eats have cheese, eggs, butter, milk chocolate, or buffalo chicken in them, you end up sitting with your cup of lemonade and watching everyone else eat. And people get offended when you don’t eat the stuff they spent 19 minutes making for this party. They assume you’re a food snob or antisocial.

And because when you go on a date and your date takes you to Outback Steakhouse, you get funny looks when you order a salad…with no steak on it.

And because your friends don’t understand that grocery shopping can be an all-day event as you traverse the city Amazing Race style from one specialty grocery store to another to find things like almond milk, coconut milk coffee creamer, coconut milk yogurt, meatless chili, and rice cheese.

Vegans can be quirky folk. They read the labels on everything. They ask a thousand questions in a restaurant. Sometimes they dress funny, because, let’s face it…vegan substitutes are expensive! And when faced with the choice between new jeans or dairy-free cupcakes, we choose cupcakes. Some people choose veganism because of ethical concerns about the way animals are treated. Some people choose veganism purely for health reasons. Some choose it for both reasons. And, admittedly, some choose it because it’s trendy and “unique”. (They’re annoying.)  And then in other cases, veganism emerges as the best option for people like myself who are trying to manage a tricky health issue.

Aside: Have you ever met a Republican vegan?  I suspect they’re a rare species if they exist at all. Probably because vegans tend to think holistically, which is decidedly un-Republican.

Anyway, I am not a proselytizing vegan. I don’t make people feel bad for eating meat. I don’t ridicule other folks’ food choices (though I may chide if McDonald’s is a main character in your eating story). I simply beseech the masses to be considerate of the vegans in your life (and others with special diets).  We need your support.  How?  Here are some helpful hints:

If you are cooking, hosting a party, or having food for some occasion, share with your guests what is on the menu and ask about special dietary needs. No, you can’t accommodate everything. But some things have easy solutions. For instance, rather than putting cheese on all the tacos, leave the cheese on the side and allow guests to put it on the tacos themselves.  Or split the pot of green beans in half and cook half with meat in it and half without meat in it. There are easy ways to accommodate.

If you are going out to eat, try to find restaurant menus online and check for vegan options. Or send your vegan friend a link to the menu online and let them check. Not every place has vegan options, but vegans usually know how to request modifications that are suitable to their needs. Some places are impossible though, and vegans need to know that ahead of time, so they can eat at home!

Be supportive of your vegan friends’ lifestyle choice. Educate yourself about what vegans do and don’t eat. Learn your friends’ particular reasons for being vegan. Don’t ridicule them for being “difficult” or “picky”. And don’t try to peer pressure them into eating foods that are not vegan-friendly. It is a challenging endeavor, and no one likes to feel shamed or invalidated for their ethical and/or wellness choices.

Yes, vegans are a pain the neck. And yes, vegans can be a strange ilk. But there’s often more to the story. It may be worth your time to learn the rest of the story and be a positive part of helping the vegan in your life live their best life.

Clarks’ Rather Queer Ad

Is it just me, or is this magazine ad rather…queer? Their kissing faces have been strategically omitted. Hm.

You’re Not a Good Dude

If you’ve been in the dating scene for any length of time, you probably have battle wounds and horror stories (and hopefully a few good memories to balance it out).

My friend recently went on a date that didn’t go so well. The guy invited her out, then made her pay for both of their meals, thanked her for dinner and left, while she sat at the bar offended and confused (and mad as hell!)  When she left the restaurant, she saw him sitting outside, and he proceeded to stop her en route to her car and try to explain that the whole thing was just a joke. What in the world is funny about that??

This date was a result of my friend’s acquaintance playing matchmaker and assuring her that this guy was “a good dude”. 

So, this scenario (and many others) sparked a discussion between my friend and me about this concept of “the good dude”.  We have both had our fair share of encounters with men who swear they are not like all the other guys and boast of their “good dude” status. But the problem is a basic one. We are not using the same criteria. For many men (especially Black men), having a stable job, no kids out of wedlock, and no criminal record is enough to classify themselves as good guys. That’s like giving yourself a pat on the back for brushing your teeth. You’re a grown ass man. That should be a given. Okay, so you beat the odds, Black Man. Great. That doesn’t make you a good guy; it just makes you uncommon. But you’re still an immature, non-committal, Xbox-playing, man-whore. You want to play around, run around, and sleep around until you’re 30-something and ready to settle down. And you hope that somewhere there’s a good girl on standby who has been waiting for you to grow the hell up.  You want maximum access with minimal effort. Texting is not courtship, you overgrown adolescent.

Am I being hard on men? Yes. Why? Because they need to do better. And no one rises to the occasion until someone raises the standards. 

I think there are good guys out there. Although, perhaps, they are part of some secret, invisible society. Ha. No, really. There are. But before we go applying that label to any ol’ dude, maybe we should stop and consider the criteria against which we evaluate men. And maybe self-proclaimed “good dudes” need to stop and consider what women are really looking for. Often, it is less about what you don’t  have (kids, debt, baby mommas, a record) and more about what you do have (manners, goals, intelligence, maturity, etc).

You might think you are, but you’re not a good dude.

Lost and Found in Atlanta

Atlanta signage sucks. Seriously.

Many streets do not have signs, and where there are  street signs, they are often too small or poorly placed (like behind a tree) or defeating their purpose in some other egregious way. Driving lanes suddenly turn into “Turn Only” lanes without notice. Signs intended to direct you to the interstate really end up directing you to wrong turns. This is not an easy city to navigate. In fact, I think the only way to navigate this city is to just drive around a lot and get lost a little.

Isn’t life like that?

We want clear direction. We want signs of some sort that tell us which way to go. We want to be able to get where we’re going without getting lost. But life doesn’t work that way. Even if you study a map, unexpected detours, road closings, and traffic jams can complicate your journey. We don’t always know which way to go. Sometimes signs are least visible when we need them most.

So just go.

Just go.

Drive, get lost, and find your way.

If You Want to be Cool, Run a Marathon

If you want to be cool, run a marathon. 

Announce on Facebook that you’ve signed up for a marathon.
Then occasionally update your status, broadcasting how many miles you ran that day for training.
And after you finally run the marathon, post pictures of your sweaty self standing by the finish line with a paper number stapled to your dri-fit shirt you bought just for the marathon.
Tell everyone how long it took you to finish.
And then post a picture of what you ate right after the marathon.

Do it.
Run the damn marathon.
All the cool kids are. (And they have no idea why they’re doing it.)

The Stupidest Student Comments of the Semester

“I missed last week and I need to get the notes from her. Will you make copies for me?”
(All this time I thought I was your instructor…turns out I’m your secretary.)

“How are we supposed to be the toughest military in the world if we got all these gays running around in the military, ya know?”
(Look at ‘em go. All those gays. Running around.)

“I know you gave us a sample outline to use, but I Googled persuasive outlines and did mine like one of the ones I saw on the Internet. So…is it right?”
(Yes. Because Google has the answer to everything. I just gave you a sample outline so you’d have somewhere to put your chewed gum.)

“I’m qualified to talk about manipulation, because I use manipulation a lot myself.”
( Umm…)

“If I take this from this website, do I have to cite it?  Can I just say it without the citation, or would that be plagiarism?”
(Yes, no, and yes.)

“School uniforms take away individuality. Then their child will grow up to be, like, a librarian or something.”
(Gasp! Not a librarian! Heaven forbid. And who knew school uniforms had the power to determine your vocation? Hm.)

“Are you ever going to let us out early?”
(Trust me, you need all the time you can get.)

Student: Are you going to grade us on grammar and stuff?
Me: Why wouldn’t I?
Student: Because this isn’t English class.
(That’s right. My bad. Proper grammar only matters in English class.)

Liquid Plumr’s Ridiculously Sexist Ad

This commercial is a crude and tasteless perpetuation of sexist garbage. Yes, I mean every word in that sentence.

Let’s break this down…

1. First, take note of the woman’s appearance. Neutral, dull colors. Big glasses. Cardigan sweater. Hair pulled back. These are all attributes used, in this culture, to signify the “undesirable” woman. We immediately recognize her as the Frumpy Librarian archetype.

2. Note her mischievous, aroused response to the phrase “double impact”. There is nothing inherently sexual about that phrase, but her response to the term encourages a pornographic imagination. Additionally, it’s important to point out that, by and large, women still do most of the household chores in American households. However, we tend classify plumbing as “masculine” activity. So, in this commercial we witness a woman having an erotic response to a household product designed for what is generally considered a “male domain” in the otherwise female sphere of household work.

3. Note the drastic change in her appearance as her daydream/fantasy begins. She is in a sleeveless purple shirt (much more skin showing), sans glasses, and her hair is tidy. So, she is not only engaging in a fantasy about “double impact” (ew) but in a fantasy about herself transformed into a “more desirable” (and implicitly more sexual) woman.

4. So, Pretty Boy Square Jawline shows up to “snake her drain” (totally unsubtle sexual innuendo). And Librarian-Turned-Desperate Housewife invites him in with a breathy, pre-orgasmic voice. And PBSJ walks in and heads upstairs immediately. Hm. That’s one rude ass plumber.

5. Now, enter Burly Marlboro Man who’s here to “flush her pipe”. He grins. She moans. Porn music continues in the background.

6. She awkwardly lets down her hair, which is–ya know–supposed to be sexy or whatever. Then, SHE proceeds to do all the work!  Yes, she clears the drain herself with a masturbatory motion while Hunk 1 and Hunk 2 look on approvingly. This is followed by an ejaculation-esque pouring of liquid down the drain.

7. She snaps out of her fantasy and sees Burly Marlboro Man in the deli, slicing meat in a masturbatory motion. Then she sees Pretty Boy Square Jaw in the produce section, holding two large melons.

So, what’s my issue with this commercial (other than the obvious disdain for its adolescent crassness)?  It’s one minute in the big scheme of life. We all know that sex sells. What’s the big deal?   How should I say this…umm…the gender politics in this commercial are stank!  It’s tempting to believe that the woman is subject and not object because she is the one doing the fantasizing. BUT she is also the only one who undergoes an overt, sexualized transformation of appearance, AND she is the only one actually using the Liquid Plumr product. Sexy and doing all the work…that’s how we like ‘em. Yikes. She is not the subject but the object of male fantasy–a woman who cleans, looks hot doing it, and entertains the sexual advances of multiple men. My other beef with the commercial is the implication that a product is especially potent by virtue of its association with masculinity.  The only reason the commercial kind of makes sense to viewers is because of the way strength is gendered. If a man fantasized about two women coming over to get this “tough” job done with some “double impact” whatchamacallit, we would be confused by the commercial. After all, what is powerful, strong, or potent about two women?

Why do I take the time to write posts like this?
Because I think it’s important to sensitize ourselves to the ways sexist (and hypersexual) messages are embedded into even the most inane media utterances. There’s nothing sexy about plumbing problems. And rather than the advertisers doing the hard work of crafting a truly clever commercial, they resort to tasteless, tactless tropes that do none of us any good.